Relaxation

So... Mom and Dad are leaving for four days on Thursday for California. My girlfriend is staying over for the couple days and I'm having one of the girls from work over with her two kids and my best friend Jay who just so happens to be in love with me but wont do anything about it. My sister will also be home and probably having one of her friends over to go swimming. Gonna be a good time. Work this weekend and then Wednesday next week I'm going to My dad's house down Point Pleasant to get away for awhile. Need to relax away from drama and bullshit. I'm working on getting things fixed in my life. Slowly but surely. Doesnt seem to be working very well but who knows. things could change. Teddy, the guy I'm seeing, comes back from Greece in four weeks. It will be nice to see him again. He emailed me this morning and told me he has been thinking about me and misses me. So Swweeeeetttt..... But one step at a time. Not rushing into it. Not going to let anyone hurt me again. I made that mistake once already. well a few times but the last one I trusted more than anyone else. So for now.. My mind and heart is off fucking limits

I've had so much going on lately. So much pain and betrayal and hurt and so many tears. And funny thing is it's not from just one person. it's from multiple people. three to be exact. First... I tell a best friend of 11 years something personal and I confided in him. I went to him b/c i was scared and just needed someone to talk to. So what does he do. The first chance he gets... He goes running to my ex infront of his new date and tells me him before I have a chance to tell him that I have been to the doctors and that I'm fine. That I was over reacting for no reason. Now my ex hates my fucking guts and feels that I betrayed him as a friend by not telling him. Fucking great. But I didn't. My best friend had no fucking right to tell him anything until I was ready to sit down and have that conversation face to face with him or on the phone with him once i had gone to the doctors. Now people hate me. Do I win EVER??? NO!!! Did he think he was saving the day or something b/c he wasn't. I'm trying to get my life together and turn over a new leaf and shit and he runs and tells my ex something that was not his place to say at all. I hate being judged and betrayed. FML!!!

Then today I start getting weird texts from my other ex saying he needs to talk to me but doesnt know how to. Wonderful I think to myself. What did I do NOW?? I finally call him and say ok... whats up?? just tell me... Oh boy did he tell me... He has found a new love. She reminds him of me in so many ways and he is falling hard and fast for her. He told her about me and who I am and how he destroyed my life and my heart. He sees my heart and soul in her eyes. God.. Does he smile at her the way he did with me? one corner of his mouth turned up when she does something cute? Does he have her jump into his arms and wrap her legs around his waist for that big hug that was only for me? How can you be away from someone for so long and then when they call you to get advice and tell you about that special someone, your heart seems to sink all over again.
I had that same feeling months ago for someone and now I wonder if I made him feel the same when I told him that I was in love. That I had someone who made me feel like I was ontop of the world. Made me feel like there was no one else in the room with just a touch of his hand. how he could make me feel beautiful even when i was sweats and no make up. God I hate this.

Where do I begin?!?!?!?

Okay. So it's been a little while since I posted. My mind is running in circles around me and I can't seem to catch up. So... Steve left me a month and a half ago. I'm still coping slightly. I mean I'm ok because I understand why he did it, But I'm lost to wonder why we couldn't wok things out. Maybe take a break away from each other and work on things. Maybe I was being too clingy? Maybe I was being too corny? No... That couldn't be it because he was just as corny as I was. LOL... He was good at that. Good at making me smile when I didn't want to. Making me light up when he walked into a room. He would sit at the bar and just look at me and run his fingers down my face and tell me how lucky he was to have a girl like me. I didn't understand what the hell he was talking about because I'm really nothing special but he thought I was and that was all that mattered. But in a way, him breaking up with me taught me a lesson. It taught me not to trust. How can I when he, himself told me I could trust him and that he wasn't like the other guys and he just goes and breaks my heart and walks away from me just like everyone else did? Does anyone have an answer to that question? I knew love was blinding but I didn't think it was that blinding. Him breaking up with me has also made me stronger. I don't need someone in my life to be happy. I never have. I'm lonely yes. I miss him... Yes and No. I miss the little things he did to make me feel special and important but I can't miss the things he did to show me he loved me because I can't trust if it was real or not.
I'm talking to someone... Not dating... But talking. We are getting to know each other and neither of us want a relationship right now. We both have things that we need to take care of in our lives. I have a lot to take care of. He plans on going back to Uruguay for a little while to see family. He has things that he is taking care of in his life. So I'm going to be single for awhile. Which is not a bad thing. I need to be alone for awhile. But does that mean I can't play in the mean time? Does that mean that I cant try to keep my mind of of other things like an ex boyfriend? I mean I know thats bad. To be talking to someone and having fun in the mean time while I'm staying single to keep my mind from drifting to the man that I loved for so long. I'm just so uneasy right now. God i went back to staring down a bottle of pills the other night because I didn't know what to do with myself.
I made the stupid mistake of reading previous emails between me and Steve and crying hysterically because of the things he said in those amazing emails. The beautiful promises that he made and never kept. And then I made the mistake of emailing him and telling him I am thinking about him and that I compare people to him and so on and so forth and then told him I'm talking to someone. I'm pretty sure that my words came out all jumbled and a mess and that I made no sense but everyone knows that that is me. I am the queen of jumbled thoughts and messed up words. I can never really put things down the way I want them too unless I'm on here spilling my guts and even sometimes I don't think I'm explaining it even right then. I mean I'm just talking to the air right now. So no one cares right? I can say what ever I want on here and no one is really reading it and no one cares what I say. Not like any of you know me.
My grandmother had a stroke two months ago and she is doing so much better. She is in a nursing home and getting the help and assistance she needs. My step sister is still in a shelter and still finds a way to cause an uproar in my house. I'm not sure how but she is good at it. My best friend is pregnant and I'm the god mother. I'm so excited. I was her first call other than telling her man.
My mind is fluttering but I think I feel a little better now that I have gotten quite a bit out. I mean it would be better if I was actually talking to a real person and getting the input on what I'm doing wrong, that is if I'm doing any thing wrong at all.
I just want to be happy. Steve made me happy and now that he is gone I need to find other ways of making myself happy. I still listen to all his songs as I go to sleep at night. It's soothing in a way. Well I'm off to bed. Not like any of you care really. But off I go and I promise to write more later.

Why

its been two weeks. I'm still fucking miserable. I mean I'm seeing friends and laughing and joking and giggling and trying to be me as much as possible but it doesnt feel the same. I can't get out of this funk. I cant focus. I've been trying to get myself out of the "suicidal thought" mood. I am back on my meds. I'm doing what I have to do. Hell I have taken in two weeks 4 days off of work. Havent even called in to tell them I'm not coming in. I'm losing myself slowly but surely. I have people to talk to but I want to talk to him so bad. He says it probably isnt the best idea for him and I to be talking right now. that we both need our time to heal in a way I guess. I dont want to heal. I keep listening to this song called Last Request that he got me hooked on. I just one last time to lay in his arms and take him in. I couldnt even look in his eyes when he ended it. I need to see his eyes. But I'm sure he is scared of me seeing his eyes. I'm sure he doesnt want me to see the pain in his eyes. Hell I'm sure he doesnt want to see the pain in mine. There is alot of is lately. Alot of rage and frustration and anger and hatred and pain. it would kill him to see it. And I would do my usual if i saw him. I would cover it up like I do anything else that is bothering me. I would hide the fact that Im dieing inside and he isnt there to catch me or hold me through it. UGH!!!

wOW

Before I go. I just sat reading through older posts. I cant believe that I actually wrote bitching about my father screaming at me saying that he was going to be another one to rip my heart out and leave me sitting here crying wishing I was dead. Wow. He was so right. Cuz here I am sitting, crying, wishing I was dead. Wishing that my heart would just stop beating. The darkness is so much nicer right now. I HATE MYSELF!!!! gOODBYE

Am I that horrible?

I have come to the realization that I am not meant to be happy. One year ago on the 10th I lost my best friend. She walked out of my life after 10 years b/c I had to much drama in my life and she could deal with my bipolar disorder. Now this year two weeks after my birthday on the same date... I lost my boyfriend. The man I talked so much abut in my previous posts is no longer mine. One day he will belong to someone else who will receive those breath taking kisses. Who will look deep in to those deep blue eyes that I fell so hard in love with. She will be wrapped up in those loving arms. I am dieing inside. I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and he can't hear me anymore. He isn't here to catch me. He isn't here to hold me when I just need to cry and all I need to do right now is cry. The man that held me when I was upset is the one making me feel this way. Who is going to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay? He said we don't mix relationship wise. BS. We were wonderful together. He was the man I needed to love me. I don't want to hear that I deserve better. I don't want to hear that deserve someone who is going to love me the way I need to be loved. He did love me the way I needed it. I want to scream so loud but I'm not aloud to be. He is breaking and I want to be there to hold him so bad. I want to wrap my arms around him and tell him I'm ok. But I'm not. God I woke up this morning and looked at a bottle of pills and stared at it. I wanted to take them down and curl back up in bed and never wake up. My moods have been jumping so bad lately. I'm cycling bad. I haven't been on my medication in two months and that is part of the reason he doesn't want me anymore. My mother has noticed that I'm on the verge of an episode. I don't know when it will hit and when it does, I really hope no one is around. well actually I kind of do. The last time I had a massive episode... I took down a bottle of pills and was hospitalized for two weeks.
You know. He planned my entire birthday. He planned Valentines day and went out of his way to take me to dinner and buy me a gorgeous necklace and make a message in a bottle for me. It is still sitting on my night stand. Along with the bottle I had everyone sign from Medieval Times for my birthday. I look at them and remember how wonderful we were but then remember that he wasn't in love with me at those times. Was it all a lie? Why pretend to love someone and do something for Valentines day and plan their birthday? I mean how could he hurt me like that? How could he rip my heart out and throw it to the gutter as if I mean nothing? He must hate me for being so stupid and boring and having so much drama in my life and being so fucked up. I thought it was changing. God I sat and cried my eyes out to him and he must have sat there with the phone pulled away from his ear waiting for me to shut up and hang up. God how could i be so stupid. Why couldn't I see it? I was so blind to believe it all could be so wonderful. I was so blind and stupid to believe that someone actually loved me and wanted me in their life for the rest of their life. I'll write more tomorrow. I need sleep. I need to try and sleep. I'm going to curl up and put on the play list of songs he said reminded him of me over the past 6 months and cry myself to sleep probably. More to pour out tomorrow.

Why Me???!?!?!?!?!?!

So I'm just here to rant and rave and ramble and get it all out. I'm going fucking nuts. Seriously. The stress in my house has me freaking inside. I'm holding it together pretty good. For the most part. I'm putting a smile on my face and pretending im ok while I really lay in bed at night and cry. The tears dont stop. I have been exhausted for weeks. I just cant sleep. The tension is eating me apart. Everyone is so worried with how maggie and mom and dad are taking it and dont give two shits about how I am doing. I told my mom flat out that I came home from work one night and balled my eyes out for no reason just because I can feel the tension and stress in this house just like everyone else. I wake up with a headache every morning and people look at me and say I look tired. Hell my own boyfriend tells me when I try to be cute and send him a picture that I look tired. That I look like I havent slept. HA!!! no I havent slept. I have gotten maybe two hours, maybe three if im lucky a night. I'm up crying and trying to pull myself together for everyone around me. I guess they all expect me to be the strong one. My mom sits and tells me that i should talk to my sister about the way she is ascting around the bitch step sister in the house and that I should say something to her and that we should tell her that we hate her. Why do I have to be the one to talk to everyone? No one listens to me... I'm going nuts. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want everyone to hear me scream and see that this is affecting me.
I'm 25 years old and I cant make a decision to stay at my boyfriends house on my own. I have to ask permission and then when I do I get bitched out. I get the lectures on how I dont have a full time job and I'm not looking and all this other b/s. for gods sake. I'm 25 and cant have a night alone with my boyfriend.
My boyfriend... wonderful...amazing...spurts of cuteness. I get the texts saying that I deserve all this attention and the cuteness and all this is other shit and i sit there and say that i dont deserve it b/c I have never deserved anything in my life and I dont do anything to deserve anything. But I get the attention neway. he argues with me that i do deserve it and I start to soke it up. I soke up the kisses and hugs and cuteness and goofieness and then it stops again.
You know. My last boyfriend was always really cute when he felt like it then I found out that the only times he was cute with me was when he was screwing around behind my back with my best friend or some girl from work or some girl from the racetrack or a girl from teh squad or the fire department or whatever. I hate thinking that he could possibly be doing that b/c I know he wouldnt. I mean everyone tells me that he isnt like that and that if he was or wanted to that he would tell me flat out and end the relationship right there. God I dont want there to be a day that he says that to me. I can actually see myself with him for the rest of my life. I'm worrying too much. God I always worry to much but I cant help it. I cant help but think the worse when I'm used to being shit on. Im so used to have wonderful things ripped from beneath me and being left alone to sit and cry and wallow in my pain.
I know it isnt like that. God I shouldnt feel like this at all. I hurt every day when I get up. I just want to crawl back into bed and die. But Steve told me I'm not aloud to cuz we havent reached forever yet. Will he be the one that I spend the rest of my life with? Will he be the one that I walk down the aisle towards? that I take his last name and start a family with? Too early to think about it all but god would i love it to be him. I dont want to be 30 and finally getting married. I want a child before im 30. I want to be starting a family and a career. Well the career before then but finally happy and stable. And I want it to be him. More than anything in the world. I have never wanted anything so much before. He is all i want. I'm doing everything in my power to not lose him. He is my world and my everything. God I need to shut up.

My heart is broken

When you are young you think you are invisible. You live life to the fullest like everyone loves to say. Well a dear friend of mine lived his life to the fullest each and every day. Traveled the world and conquered all. He was a genius in all of our eyes. And Friday, January 2nd, his life ended. A freak accident is what it was. Dan was very smart and triple checked everything. Made sure everything was in order and was exactly the way it was supposed to be. A tandem jump, first time jumping with a wing suit and the papers say he slipped out of his harness. I never liked skydiving and now I hate it. He was only 22 years old. So young. So much more of life left to live.
Mister life of the party, would pull his shirt right off his back for someone who needed it. He had the best sense of humor. And he amazed you when he started talking about Germany, Italy, Russia, or England. Europe was his favorite place to be when work was sending him away. My heart is broken thinking about him not being with us anymore, but I know he is always around.
I'm trying to keep a smile on my face for you Danny. Love you babe and I will always miss you!
RIP Daniel Kulpa

love or not?

I'm lost in my thoughts tonight. I'm not sure which way they are going. Everything is kind of running around in my head and bumping into each other. Started a new job. Not much. Just a little diner job, working 3 shifts a week and maybe an extra here and there if they call me for a cover. Haven't had much time to sit and put my thoughts down and get them out there.
Has anyone ever asked you if you believe in love at first sight? I've been asked before. I said no. I do not believe in love and first sight. I believe in a connection between two people that can end there or turn into a deep caring of each other and then love. You go through the "omg are you serious?" "I like that too" and the "wow we have a lot in common". I've been through it a million times. And they never went anywhere. I thought I was in love. WRONG!
Now I'm head over heels for a man that I didn't have those with. There were a few hey I like that too here and there. I'm wondering though... a question that always sits in my head and I never spit out. Can that real love that you feel... the butterflies and the sweaty hands and jitters and the giddiness, does it last or die? I don't want it to die. I want to feel this for a very long time. I don't want to let go of the feeling of being safe with who I love. The man I spend my time with is amazing. I don't plan on letting go of him at all. But can you fall out of love with someone as quickly as you feel in love with them? I know people have told me before that they just didnt love me anymore. but it is possible when you have everything going so good.
I know that the distance between two people is always a good thing. You need to have your space or youll go nuts being with them all the time. And I'm not with him all the time. once or twice a week is all i get b/c of work schedules and I don't want him to get sick of me. I guess i'm just being a worry wort again.
More thoughts for you ponder over.

Are there times you just don't feel yourself? Are there times that you just want to pull your hair out and scream at the top of your lungs b/c you just can't think straight? Yeah well thats me right now. I just don't feel myself. A friend is telling me that he wont listen to or respond to any negativity that comes out of my mouth anymore. He only wants to hear positive thoughts. Yeah right. How am I supposed to be positive when everything around me is crumbling? I am useless. I'm not good at anything. I'm stupid as hell. I don't know right from left sometimes and half the shit people start talking about I have no idea what is going on or what anything means. For some reason I just don't know what is going on with me. I can't seem to get a grasp on what is going on around me. I know what I have to do but I just can't seem to do it or at least do it right. I honestly feel that if I was to stand in the middle of the road screaming that no one would hear me. I don't know what to do about it. I can't figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I can't seem to find something that I can connect with that makes me happy that I'm interested in to get me going. What the hell do I do now? Where do i go from here? How do I find my calling as they like to call it? What's my nitch? What's the one thing that I can do better than anyone else? I have no damn clue and I don't know where to start.

One person can't be this cruel... can they? How can you tear a family apart like this? I'm going to end up losing the place that I have lived for 11 years. I have no where to go. I have no place to live. My sister will go to her fathers and my mother and her husband will have to find an apartment. All b/c one person that was brought into my family said she wanted to have a family. She wanted to be with her father. She wanted us to be her sisters. So we did everything for custody of her and now this is how we are repaid. This is how someone says thank you. No instead we turn around and say I don't like your rules. I don't like that I can't do what I want when I want so fuck you, I want to move back with my mother and fuck all of your lives. I was just starting to get things on track. I was just starting to level my head out. Two job offers... A wonderful boyfriend. Now where do I go? Where do I turn? It takes everything in me not to fucking hit. Make her hurt. She doesnt care that she is killing her father. That his heart is being torn out of his chest. Fucking bitch. I hate you. I thought you had changed. I was actually nice to you and pulled you in close like I do a sister. I made you my sister even though the past said I shouldn't and you fuck us.

Now you want to play games and we will see how things go. We will see if you decide to stay. We all have to play your game and wait on you. I don't think so. I'm not waiting on you. I'm not going to deal with this shit any more. Yo dare put a fucking finger on my things and expect me not to say a word. I will break your fingers little girl. I will make sure that you don't touch a damn thing of mine again. Fuck with my family and you're fucking with me... I wouldn't go there if i were you

4 Years Later...

He was a great man. So smart. So caring and giving. Willing to rip the shirt off his back for you. He would go out thanksgiving night and find a hopeless huy on the streets and take them to dinner. I can remember the holidays, sitting arouns the table or in the living room, my sisters and I around his feet or sitting on the couch listening to his so fake yet wonderful stories about when he used to walk with the leader of a native american tribe. He was so funny. God I miss him.

He promised he would be the one to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. He promised me alot of things that he never held up to b/c he left me sitting here all alone.

But I'm trying to show him that I'm the granddaughter he always wanted. I'm trying to carry on his name with pride. Ill do better that I did before.

Tigger and pressure

So...I'm getting all worked up and have no way of letting go of the tension. I am over my head in bills and have no job to take care of them. Does the economy have to suck this bad? I mean seriously. I am so tired of the shit already. I need a good paying job so i can get these bills paid and get a place of my own and start out on my own. I need the freedom again. I got addicted when I lived on my own. Coming home and makin myself something to eat if i felt like eating. Putting on my music and leaving the bathroom door open while I take a nice hot bath with a bottle of wine. Not listen to people bitch that the dishes werent done that night and bitch and complain that I forgot to take the garbage out.
I just want to be me with no one telling me how to do it. I can't do all that with no job and no car. UGH. But I have a wonderful man in my life that means the world to me and he is supporting me through all of it. I guess i just have to bite my tongue and hope for the best with whatever comes my way.

Can You Hear Me Scream? Can You Feel My Tears?

I'm standing hear listening to bitch about my life and bitch about where it is headed. Why don't you back the fuck off and let me live it my way. Yeah I'm dating him and I want to be with him. Yes I'm happy. Its not going to end like the others and leave me sitting here in tears and torn in pieces wishing that I would just die. I know you want me to be alone. I know you want me to focus on my life, but how can I focus on my life is I'm not happy? How can I focus on my life when there is an amazing man in front of me that I want to be with so bad and you won't let me be happy with him. Wtop your fucking bitching. Shut your damn mouth and leave me alone. I'm 25 years old and you're treating me like I'm five for god's sake. I'm a grown woman and I want this in my life. I'm not letting this relationship end. Say what you want. Talk to your friends and let them say what they want. You don't know how I feel. You don't know the electric currents that run through my body when I'm around him. You don't feel and see the fireworks go off when I kiss him. GOD DAMNIT LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!! I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and you can't hear me or is that you don't care? I'm sitting here crying only wanting to be in his arms and you look at me and tell me I'm a child.

Yes I know what I have to do to get my life on track. I know that I have to get a job. Don't tell me that he should be telling me that he isn't going to talk to me until I start applying for jobs and getting interviews and start getting up in the morning. I don't want to hear your shit about what other people should be doing for me and with me. Call me a slut if you want. He doesn't see me that way. I don't think he ever will but if things turn and you are right and he sees me as a slut or a whore or a tramp one day or if things end with him and I then I will look at you and tell you were right and I will walk out the door and never turn back around to end throw you a dirty look.

I'm done with being told what is good for me and what isn't. Time to let me fall flat on my own face and pick myself up. Stop running to my side and picking up the pieces before I get a chance to do anything for myself. Just watch first thing in the morning. Watch this bitch spin your damn head off your shoulders. And don;t give me no shit about daddy getting in the way. He aint really my father in the first place. Let him try to say something.

Is it Love?

Love is weird isnt it? You can meet someone and go through that wonderful (as they call it) honeymoon period and then everything falls apart. They turn out to be some weird, controlling, posessive, obsessive asshole. Then I end up getting hurt. So where do you go from there? How do you trust? How do you let anyone in at all? You build a wall and cover it in ice and cement and swear you'll never ket anyone get that close again to rip your heart apart and shred it.

But then all of a sudden you meet one person that makes you smile again. Who makes you feel the sun warm against your skin. Who makes your cheeks hurt from blushing so much and smiling and laughing so much and sowly but surely that cement starts to break down and the ice melts and the walls come crashing in. You let them in and there you go again with that wonderful honey moon period. And you sit wondering to yourself as you lay in bed at night. Will there be an ending to this? Will they turn into that asshole that you swore you would never get mixed up with again? You wonder if this is it. How do you know? How can you tell? You cant go by cher's song that you can feel it in his kiss. Kisses can lie.

I've been there, dont that. I've had men make me believe that they loved me even when they were goin behind my back and cheating on me and coming home and kissing me at night and holding me in the middle of the night. It's all in trust. Oh boy. Trust. The big T word.

I just want the real thing. I just want the one. I believe I have him in my hands. I belive I have found him. I'm done. If this ends. I'm not lieing anymore. I will never love anyone for the rest of my life. I am putting every once of love and energy that I have into him and I wont stop. Until the day I die. He makes me fly. My heart skips a beat.

Fuckin Ex's

I sware sometimes. I wish that once you date someone that they are instantly removed from the world. They do nothing but cause problems for you in the long run. You get into a new wonderful relationship with someone and then they come around telling you that they want to have sex with you and they want you back. And in my case you have the ex's that have the same religion as you. Well think that they do atleast and try to threaten you with magic. Yeah...Ok... Thats going to work real well. Can't do anything to me if I don't let you have the power over me in the first place. And you're going to do a binding on me so that I can't hurt anyone...? Please... Are we living through The Craft much? OMG. Like seriously come on now. I don't hurt people. You hurt people. Thats why I was the one that left you or You were the one who broke my heart by breaking up with me. ASSHOLE!!!!

I'm not going to let this bullshit ruin what i have. And now b/c of this He is mad and I sware I will hunt you down for this. You will hurt. I will make sure you pay for the tears that fell from my eyes b/c he is upset or angry or frustrated b/c you are an asshole.
I can't type anymore or I will seriously hurt someone or I will start sayin some shit that will not make me sound like the angel I'm supposed to be... hahaha yeah right.

Off to eat and drink and be merry and probabyl take a sleeping pill. God Iw ant to go to sleep and maybe sleep for like the next 5 years. I just want to be happy damnit. Why cant everyone else just leave me alone

Good things and Bad things

Ever wonder about the good things in your life? Ever wonder about the bad things in your life? I do all the time. Lets see if we can make a list...
Good things... My boyfriend - more Amazing than good. My family. My friends. I'm alive.
Bad things... No car. No degree. No job. Cant go to school. Fuck up for life. My health

So I'm kind of even if you look at it. Well actually there is more in the bad things then the good things but some of those good things make up for the bad things. My boyfriend for one definitely makes up for a lot of the bad. Lets talk about him for a minute.

Stephen - I couldn't have asked for someone better in my life to come along. His eyes. His kisses. His smile. I'm so hoping that these butterflies never go away. I love it. Every time I'm around him I can't help but blush and just stare at him. I'm afraid if I take my eyes off of him for one second that he is going to disappear and this dream is going to end. There is such a deep connection with him that I can't even describe. How does one person fit with you so perfectly and you haven't found them until now? Wow... Did that even make any sense? I have no clue. But I don't really care. Not anymore. Now that I have him I don't really care what anyone else thinks or says. He makes me free. This feels so right. This has to be right. If it isn't right then I'm done for if it ever ends. My heart will truly stop beating. I have opened myself too wide for this not to be right. Everything I hear n the radio reminds me of him. Everything I see other couples doing reminds me of him and I and I haven't even spent that much time with him to be able to go out and do whatever. He picked me up on Friday and we went back to his house for dinner. He made me dinner. He is so wonderful. But as we drove back. We just talked and I listened to his little stories about whatever the topic of conversation was and the topic would switch and held hands in the car and he ran his thumb up and down my hand or up and down one spot on my leg. I was in heaven. Dinner was wonderful. He were in his room for awhile and just kissing and talking and giggling and a little playing, but nothing serious. He was a gentleman. Hhis hands stayed on the small of my back or on the sides of my face unless I made the move to have him move his hands. He didn't want to push it and it made me feel so special to have someone not treat me like a piece of meat and not look at me as if I was just a piece of ass. It was nice. We curled up and watched a movie and then back to the bedroom where more kissing and rolling around took place. We both teased but left it at that. Not wanting to rush things. Don;t want to rush things to make it into a relationship that is based off of sex. GOD THAT IS SO FUCKING NICE!!!!!!! I mean when does a girl finally find a guy like that? It took me 25 years. I'm so glad I found him.

The bad things in my life? They are difficult to deal with. More than I can even imagine. But from a conversation i had with Steve last night. I have people to support me and be there for me when i do need to ask for help. So I'm trying to not let the bad things bother me all that much. I'm hoping that I can get past them. I'll figure it out all in due time. It just may take a little bit of time to do that. So all in all... I guess I really don't have that much bad in my life. If they are things I can get past. Then they aren't bad. They are just stepping stones to my future. A wonderful future with the man of my dreams.

So I guess when it comes down to it. He is the one for me to thank for all of this. He opened my eyes wide enough for me to be able to see what i need to see. I love you baby. More than you could ever possibly know. MUAH!! Together Forever ~ <3>