Why Me???!?!?!?!?!?!

So I'm just here to rant and rave and ramble and get it all out. I'm going fucking nuts. Seriously. The stress in my house has me freaking inside. I'm holding it together pretty good. For the most part. I'm putting a smile on my face and pretending im ok while I really lay in bed at night and cry. The tears dont stop. I have been exhausted for weeks. I just cant sleep. The tension is eating me apart. Everyone is so worried with how maggie and mom and dad are taking it and dont give two shits about how I am doing. I told my mom flat out that I came home from work one night and balled my eyes out for no reason just because I can feel the tension and stress in this house just like everyone else. I wake up with a headache every morning and people look at me and say I look tired. Hell my own boyfriend tells me when I try to be cute and send him a picture that I look tired. That I look like I havent slept. HA!!! no I havent slept. I have gotten maybe two hours, maybe three if im lucky a night. I'm up crying and trying to pull myself together for everyone around me. I guess they all expect me to be the strong one. My mom sits and tells me that i should talk to my sister about the way she is ascting around the bitch step sister in the house and that I should say something to her and that we should tell her that we hate her. Why do I have to be the one to talk to everyone? No one listens to me... I'm going nuts. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want everyone to hear me scream and see that this is affecting me.
I'm 25 years old and I cant make a decision to stay at my boyfriends house on my own. I have to ask permission and then when I do I get bitched out. I get the lectures on how I dont have a full time job and I'm not looking and all this other b/s. for gods sake. I'm 25 and cant have a night alone with my boyfriend.
My boyfriend... wonderful...amazing...spurts of cuteness. I get the texts saying that I deserve all this attention and the cuteness and all this is other shit and i sit there and say that i dont deserve it b/c I have never deserved anything in my life and I dont do anything to deserve anything. But I get the attention neway. he argues with me that i do deserve it and I start to soke it up. I soke up the kisses and hugs and cuteness and goofieness and then it stops again.
You know. My last boyfriend was always really cute when he felt like it then I found out that the only times he was cute with me was when he was screwing around behind my back with my best friend or some girl from work or some girl from the racetrack or a girl from teh squad or the fire department or whatever. I hate thinking that he could possibly be doing that b/c I know he wouldnt. I mean everyone tells me that he isnt like that and that if he was or wanted to that he would tell me flat out and end the relationship right there. God I dont want there to be a day that he says that to me. I can actually see myself with him for the rest of my life. I'm worrying too much. God I always worry to much but I cant help it. I cant help but think the worse when I'm used to being shit on. Im so used to have wonderful things ripped from beneath me and being left alone to sit and cry and wallow in my pain.
I know it isnt like that. God I shouldnt feel like this at all. I hurt every day when I get up. I just want to crawl back into bed and die. But Steve told me I'm not aloud to cuz we havent reached forever yet. Will he be the one that I spend the rest of my life with? Will he be the one that I walk down the aisle towards? that I take his last name and start a family with? Too early to think about it all but god would i love it to be him. I dont want to be 30 and finally getting married. I want a child before im 30. I want to be starting a family and a career. Well the career before then but finally happy and stable. And I want it to be him. More than anything in the world. I have never wanted anything so much before. He is all i want. I'm doing everything in my power to not lose him. He is my world and my everything. God I need to shut up.

My heart is broken

When you are young you think you are invisible. You live life to the fullest like everyone loves to say. Well a dear friend of mine lived his life to the fullest each and every day. Traveled the world and conquered all. He was a genius in all of our eyes. And Friday, January 2nd, his life ended. A freak accident is what it was. Dan was very smart and triple checked everything. Made sure everything was in order and was exactly the way it was supposed to be. A tandem jump, first time jumping with a wing suit and the papers say he slipped out of his harness. I never liked skydiving and now I hate it. He was only 22 years old. So young. So much more of life left to live.
Mister life of the party, would pull his shirt right off his back for someone who needed it. He had the best sense of humor. And he amazed you when he started talking about Germany, Italy, Russia, or England. Europe was his favorite place to be when work was sending him away. My heart is broken thinking about him not being with us anymore, but I know he is always around.
I'm trying to keep a smile on my face for you Danny. Love you babe and I will always miss you!
RIP Daniel Kulpa