Relaxation

So... Mom and Dad are leaving for four days on Thursday for California. My girlfriend is staying over for the couple days and I'm having one of the girls from work over with her two kids and my best friend Jay who just so happens to be in love with me but wont do anything about it. My sister will also be home and probably having one of her friends over to go swimming. Gonna be a good time. Work this weekend and then Wednesday next week I'm going to My dad's house down Point Pleasant to get away for awhile. Need to relax away from drama and bullshit. I'm working on getting things fixed in my life. Slowly but surely. Doesnt seem to be working very well but who knows. things could change. Teddy, the guy I'm seeing, comes back from Greece in four weeks. It will be nice to see him again. He emailed me this morning and told me he has been thinking about me and misses me. So Swweeeeetttt..... But one step at a time. Not rushing into it. Not going to let anyone hurt me again. I made that mistake once already. well a few times but the last one I trusted more than anyone else. So for now.. My mind and heart is off fucking limits

I've had so much going on lately. So much pain and betrayal and hurt and so many tears. And funny thing is it's not from just one person. it's from multiple people. three to be exact. First... I tell a best friend of 11 years something personal and I confided in him. I went to him b/c i was scared and just needed someone to talk to. So what does he do. The first chance he gets... He goes running to my ex infront of his new date and tells me him before I have a chance to tell him that I have been to the doctors and that I'm fine. That I was over reacting for no reason. Now my ex hates my fucking guts and feels that I betrayed him as a friend by not telling him. Fucking great. But I didn't. My best friend had no fucking right to tell him anything until I was ready to sit down and have that conversation face to face with him or on the phone with him once i had gone to the doctors. Now people hate me. Do I win EVER??? NO!!! Did he think he was saving the day or something b/c he wasn't. I'm trying to get my life together and turn over a new leaf and shit and he runs and tells my ex something that was not his place to say at all. I hate being judged and betrayed. FML!!!

Then today I start getting weird texts from my other ex saying he needs to talk to me but doesnt know how to. Wonderful I think to myself. What did I do NOW?? I finally call him and say ok... whats up?? just tell me... Oh boy did he tell me... He has found a new love. She reminds him of me in so many ways and he is falling hard and fast for her. He told her about me and who I am and how he destroyed my life and my heart. He sees my heart and soul in her eyes. God.. Does he smile at her the way he did with me? one corner of his mouth turned up when she does something cute? Does he have her jump into his arms and wrap her legs around his waist for that big hug that was only for me? How can you be away from someone for so long and then when they call you to get advice and tell you about that special someone, your heart seems to sink all over again.
I had that same feeling months ago for someone and now I wonder if I made him feel the same when I told him that I was in love. That I had someone who made me feel like I was ontop of the world. Made me feel like there was no one else in the room with just a touch of his hand. how he could make me feel beautiful even when i was sweats and no make up. God I hate this.

Where do I begin?!?!?!?

Okay. So it's been a little while since I posted. My mind is running in circles around me and I can't seem to catch up. So... Steve left me a month and a half ago. I'm still coping slightly. I mean I'm ok because I understand why he did it, But I'm lost to wonder why we couldn't wok things out. Maybe take a break away from each other and work on things. Maybe I was being too clingy? Maybe I was being too corny? No... That couldn't be it because he was just as corny as I was. LOL... He was good at that. Good at making me smile when I didn't want to. Making me light up when he walked into a room. He would sit at the bar and just look at me and run his fingers down my face and tell me how lucky he was to have a girl like me. I didn't understand what the hell he was talking about because I'm really nothing special but he thought I was and that was all that mattered. But in a way, him breaking up with me taught me a lesson. It taught me not to trust. How can I when he, himself told me I could trust him and that he wasn't like the other guys and he just goes and breaks my heart and walks away from me just like everyone else did? Does anyone have an answer to that question? I knew love was blinding but I didn't think it was that blinding. Him breaking up with me has also made me stronger. I don't need someone in my life to be happy. I never have. I'm lonely yes. I miss him... Yes and No. I miss the little things he did to make me feel special and important but I can't miss the things he did to show me he loved me because I can't trust if it was real or not.
I'm talking to someone... Not dating... But talking. We are getting to know each other and neither of us want a relationship right now. We both have things that we need to take care of in our lives. I have a lot to take care of. He plans on going back to Uruguay for a little while to see family. He has things that he is taking care of in his life. So I'm going to be single for awhile. Which is not a bad thing. I need to be alone for awhile. But does that mean I can't play in the mean time? Does that mean that I cant try to keep my mind of of other things like an ex boyfriend? I mean I know thats bad. To be talking to someone and having fun in the mean time while I'm staying single to keep my mind from drifting to the man that I loved for so long. I'm just so uneasy right now. God i went back to staring down a bottle of pills the other night because I didn't know what to do with myself.
I made the stupid mistake of reading previous emails between me and Steve and crying hysterically because of the things he said in those amazing emails. The beautiful promises that he made and never kept. And then I made the mistake of emailing him and telling him I am thinking about him and that I compare people to him and so on and so forth and then told him I'm talking to someone. I'm pretty sure that my words came out all jumbled and a mess and that I made no sense but everyone knows that that is me. I am the queen of jumbled thoughts and messed up words. I can never really put things down the way I want them too unless I'm on here spilling my guts and even sometimes I don't think I'm explaining it even right then. I mean I'm just talking to the air right now. So no one cares right? I can say what ever I want on here and no one is really reading it and no one cares what I say. Not like any of you know me.
My grandmother had a stroke two months ago and she is doing so much better. She is in a nursing home and getting the help and assistance she needs. My step sister is still in a shelter and still finds a way to cause an uproar in my house. I'm not sure how but she is good at it. My best friend is pregnant and I'm the god mother. I'm so excited. I was her first call other than telling her man.
My mind is fluttering but I think I feel a little better now that I have gotten quite a bit out. I mean it would be better if I was actually talking to a real person and getting the input on what I'm doing wrong, that is if I'm doing any thing wrong at all.
I just want to be happy. Steve made me happy and now that he is gone I need to find other ways of making myself happy. I still listen to all his songs as I go to sleep at night. It's soothing in a way. Well I'm off to bed. Not like any of you care really. But off I go and I promise to write more later.

Why

its been two weeks. I'm still fucking miserable. I mean I'm seeing friends and laughing and joking and giggling and trying to be me as much as possible but it doesnt feel the same. I can't get out of this funk. I cant focus. I've been trying to get myself out of the "suicidal thought" mood. I am back on my meds. I'm doing what I have to do. Hell I have taken in two weeks 4 days off of work. Havent even called in to tell them I'm not coming in. I'm losing myself slowly but surely. I have people to talk to but I want to talk to him so bad. He says it probably isnt the best idea for him and I to be talking right now. that we both need our time to heal in a way I guess. I dont want to heal. I keep listening to this song called Last Request that he got me hooked on. I just one last time to lay in his arms and take him in. I couldnt even look in his eyes when he ended it. I need to see his eyes. But I'm sure he is scared of me seeing his eyes. I'm sure he doesnt want me to see the pain in his eyes. Hell I'm sure he doesnt want to see the pain in mine. There is alot of is lately. Alot of rage and frustration and anger and hatred and pain. it would kill him to see it. And I would do my usual if i saw him. I would cover it up like I do anything else that is bothering me. I would hide the fact that Im dieing inside and he isnt there to catch me or hold me through it. UGH!!!

wOW

Before I go. I just sat reading through older posts. I cant believe that I actually wrote bitching about my father screaming at me saying that he was going to be another one to rip my heart out and leave me sitting here crying wishing I was dead. Wow. He was so right. Cuz here I am sitting, crying, wishing I was dead. Wishing that my heart would just stop beating. The darkness is so much nicer right now. I HATE MYSELF!!!! gOODBYE

Am I that horrible?

I have come to the realization that I am not meant to be happy. One year ago on the 10th I lost my best friend. She walked out of my life after 10 years b/c I had to much drama in my life and she could deal with my bipolar disorder. Now this year two weeks after my birthday on the same date... I lost my boyfriend. The man I talked so much abut in my previous posts is no longer mine. One day he will belong to someone else who will receive those breath taking kisses. Who will look deep in to those deep blue eyes that I fell so hard in love with. She will be wrapped up in those loving arms. I am dieing inside. I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and he can't hear me anymore. He isn't here to catch me. He isn't here to hold me when I just need to cry and all I need to do right now is cry. The man that held me when I was upset is the one making me feel this way. Who is going to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay? He said we don't mix relationship wise. BS. We were wonderful together. He was the man I needed to love me. I don't want to hear that I deserve better. I don't want to hear that deserve someone who is going to love me the way I need to be loved. He did love me the way I needed it. I want to scream so loud but I'm not aloud to be. He is breaking and I want to be there to hold him so bad. I want to wrap my arms around him and tell him I'm ok. But I'm not. God I woke up this morning and looked at a bottle of pills and stared at it. I wanted to take them down and curl back up in bed and never wake up. My moods have been jumping so bad lately. I'm cycling bad. I haven't been on my medication in two months and that is part of the reason he doesn't want me anymore. My mother has noticed that I'm on the verge of an episode. I don't know when it will hit and when it does, I really hope no one is around. well actually I kind of do. The last time I had a massive episode... I took down a bottle of pills and was hospitalized for two weeks.
You know. He planned my entire birthday. He planned Valentines day and went out of his way to take me to dinner and buy me a gorgeous necklace and make a message in a bottle for me. It is still sitting on my night stand. Along with the bottle I had everyone sign from Medieval Times for my birthday. I look at them and remember how wonderful we were but then remember that he wasn't in love with me at those times. Was it all a lie? Why pretend to love someone and do something for Valentines day and plan their birthday? I mean how could he hurt me like that? How could he rip my heart out and throw it to the gutter as if I mean nothing? He must hate me for being so stupid and boring and having so much drama in my life and being so fucked up. I thought it was changing. God I sat and cried my eyes out to him and he must have sat there with the phone pulled away from his ear waiting for me to shut up and hang up. God how could i be so stupid. Why couldn't I see it? I was so blind to believe it all could be so wonderful. I was so blind and stupid to believe that someone actually loved me and wanted me in their life for the rest of their life. I'll write more tomorrow. I need sleep. I need to try and sleep. I'm going to curl up and put on the play list of songs he said reminded him of me over the past 6 months and cry myself to sleep probably. More to pour out tomorrow.

Why Me???!?!?!?!?!?!

So I'm just here to rant and rave and ramble and get it all out. I'm going fucking nuts. Seriously. The stress in my house has me freaking inside. I'm holding it together pretty good. For the most part. I'm putting a smile on my face and pretending im ok while I really lay in bed at night and cry. The tears dont stop. I have been exhausted for weeks. I just cant sleep. The tension is eating me apart. Everyone is so worried with how maggie and mom and dad are taking it and dont give two shits about how I am doing. I told my mom flat out that I came home from work one night and balled my eyes out for no reason just because I can feel the tension and stress in this house just like everyone else. I wake up with a headache every morning and people look at me and say I look tired. Hell my own boyfriend tells me when I try to be cute and send him a picture that I look tired. That I look like I havent slept. HA!!! no I havent slept. I have gotten maybe two hours, maybe three if im lucky a night. I'm up crying and trying to pull myself together for everyone around me. I guess they all expect me to be the strong one. My mom sits and tells me that i should talk to my sister about the way she is ascting around the bitch step sister in the house and that I should say something to her and that we should tell her that we hate her. Why do I have to be the one to talk to everyone? No one listens to me... I'm going nuts. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want everyone to hear me scream and see that this is affecting me.
I'm 25 years old and I cant make a decision to stay at my boyfriends house on my own. I have to ask permission and then when I do I get bitched out. I get the lectures on how I dont have a full time job and I'm not looking and all this other b/s. for gods sake. I'm 25 and cant have a night alone with my boyfriend.
My boyfriend... wonderful...amazing...spurts of cuteness. I get the texts saying that I deserve all this attention and the cuteness and all this is other shit and i sit there and say that i dont deserve it b/c I have never deserved anything in my life and I dont do anything to deserve anything. But I get the attention neway. he argues with me that i do deserve it and I start to soke it up. I soke up the kisses and hugs and cuteness and goofieness and then it stops again.
You know. My last boyfriend was always really cute when he felt like it then I found out that the only times he was cute with me was when he was screwing around behind my back with my best friend or some girl from work or some girl from the racetrack or a girl from teh squad or the fire department or whatever. I hate thinking that he could possibly be doing that b/c I know he wouldnt. I mean everyone tells me that he isnt like that and that if he was or wanted to that he would tell me flat out and end the relationship right there. God I dont want there to be a day that he says that to me. I can actually see myself with him for the rest of my life. I'm worrying too much. God I always worry to much but I cant help it. I cant help but think the worse when I'm used to being shit on. Im so used to have wonderful things ripped from beneath me and being left alone to sit and cry and wallow in my pain.
I know it isnt like that. God I shouldnt feel like this at all. I hurt every day when I get up. I just want to crawl back into bed and die. But Steve told me I'm not aloud to cuz we havent reached forever yet. Will he be the one that I spend the rest of my life with? Will he be the one that I walk down the aisle towards? that I take his last name and start a family with? Too early to think about it all but god would i love it to be him. I dont want to be 30 and finally getting married. I want a child before im 30. I want to be starting a family and a career. Well the career before then but finally happy and stable. And I want it to be him. More than anything in the world. I have never wanted anything so much before. He is all i want. I'm doing everything in my power to not lose him. He is my world and my everything. God I need to shut up.