Where do I begin?!?!?!?

Okay. So it's been a little while since I posted. My mind is running in circles around me and I can't seem to catch up. So... Steve left me a month and a half ago. I'm still coping slightly. I mean I'm ok because I understand why he did it, But I'm lost to wonder why we couldn't wok things out. Maybe take a break away from each other and work on things. Maybe I was being too clingy? Maybe I was being too corny? No... That couldn't be it because he was just as corny as I was. LOL... He was good at that. Good at making me smile when I didn't want to. Making me light up when he walked into a room. He would sit at the bar and just look at me and run his fingers down my face and tell me how lucky he was to have a girl like me. I didn't understand what the hell he was talking about because I'm really nothing special but he thought I was and that was all that mattered. But in a way, him breaking up with me taught me a lesson. It taught me not to trust. How can I when he, himself told me I could trust him and that he wasn't like the other guys and he just goes and breaks my heart and walks away from me just like everyone else did? Does anyone have an answer to that question? I knew love was blinding but I didn't think it was that blinding. Him breaking up with me has also made me stronger. I don't need someone in my life to be happy. I never have. I'm lonely yes. I miss him... Yes and No. I miss the little things he did to make me feel special and important but I can't miss the things he did to show me he loved me because I can't trust if it was real or not.
I'm talking to someone... Not dating... But talking. We are getting to know each other and neither of us want a relationship right now. We both have things that we need to take care of in our lives. I have a lot to take care of. He plans on going back to Uruguay for a little while to see family. He has things that he is taking care of in his life. So I'm going to be single for awhile. Which is not a bad thing. I need to be alone for awhile. But does that mean I can't play in the mean time? Does that mean that I cant try to keep my mind of of other things like an ex boyfriend? I mean I know thats bad. To be talking to someone and having fun in the mean time while I'm staying single to keep my mind from drifting to the man that I loved for so long. I'm just so uneasy right now. God i went back to staring down a bottle of pills the other night because I didn't know what to do with myself.
I made the stupid mistake of reading previous emails between me and Steve and crying hysterically because of the things he said in those amazing emails. The beautiful promises that he made and never kept. And then I made the mistake of emailing him and telling him I am thinking about him and that I compare people to him and so on and so forth and then told him I'm talking to someone. I'm pretty sure that my words came out all jumbled and a mess and that I made no sense but everyone knows that that is me. I am the queen of jumbled thoughts and messed up words. I can never really put things down the way I want them too unless I'm on here spilling my guts and even sometimes I don't think I'm explaining it even right then. I mean I'm just talking to the air right now. So no one cares right? I can say what ever I want on here and no one is really reading it and no one cares what I say. Not like any of you know me.
My grandmother had a stroke two months ago and she is doing so much better. She is in a nursing home and getting the help and assistance she needs. My step sister is still in a shelter and still finds a way to cause an uproar in my house. I'm not sure how but she is good at it. My best friend is pregnant and I'm the god mother. I'm so excited. I was her first call other than telling her man.
My mind is fluttering but I think I feel a little better now that I have gotten quite a bit out. I mean it would be better if I was actually talking to a real person and getting the input on what I'm doing wrong, that is if I'm doing any thing wrong at all.
I just want to be happy. Steve made me happy and now that he is gone I need to find other ways of making myself happy. I still listen to all his songs as I go to sleep at night. It's soothing in a way. Well I'm off to bed. Not like any of you care really. But off I go and I promise to write more later.