Am I that horrible?

I have come to the realization that I am not meant to be happy. One year ago on the 10th I lost my best friend. She walked out of my life after 10 years b/c I had to much drama in my life and she could deal with my bipolar disorder. Now this year two weeks after my birthday on the same date... I lost my boyfriend. The man I talked so much abut in my previous posts is no longer mine. One day he will belong to someone else who will receive those breath taking kisses. Who will look deep in to those deep blue eyes that I fell so hard in love with. She will be wrapped up in those loving arms. I am dieing inside. I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and he can't hear me anymore. He isn't here to catch me. He isn't here to hold me when I just need to cry and all I need to do right now is cry. The man that held me when I was upset is the one making me feel this way. Who is going to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay? He said we don't mix relationship wise. BS. We were wonderful together. He was the man I needed to love me. I don't want to hear that I deserve better. I don't want to hear that deserve someone who is going to love me the way I need to be loved. He did love me the way I needed it. I want to scream so loud but I'm not aloud to be. He is breaking and I want to be there to hold him so bad. I want to wrap my arms around him and tell him I'm ok. But I'm not. God I woke up this morning and looked at a bottle of pills and stared at it. I wanted to take them down and curl back up in bed and never wake up. My moods have been jumping so bad lately. I'm cycling bad. I haven't been on my medication in two months and that is part of the reason he doesn't want me anymore. My mother has noticed that I'm on the verge of an episode. I don't know when it will hit and when it does, I really hope no one is around. well actually I kind of do. The last time I had a massive episode... I took down a bottle of pills and was hospitalized for two weeks.
You know. He planned my entire birthday. He planned Valentines day and went out of his way to take me to dinner and buy me a gorgeous necklace and make a message in a bottle for me. It is still sitting on my night stand. Along with the bottle I had everyone sign from Medieval Times for my birthday. I look at them and remember how wonderful we were but then remember that he wasn't in love with me at those times. Was it all a lie? Why pretend to love someone and do something for Valentines day and plan their birthday? I mean how could he hurt me like that? How could he rip my heart out and throw it to the gutter as if I mean nothing? He must hate me for being so stupid and boring and having so much drama in my life and being so fucked up. I thought it was changing. God I sat and cried my eyes out to him and he must have sat there with the phone pulled away from his ear waiting for me to shut up and hang up. God how could i be so stupid. Why couldn't I see it? I was so blind to believe it all could be so wonderful. I was so blind and stupid to believe that someone actually loved me and wanted me in their life for the rest of their life. I'll write more tomorrow. I need sleep. I need to try and sleep. I'm going to curl up and put on the play list of songs he said reminded him of me over the past 6 months and cry myself to sleep probably. More to pour out tomorrow.