Are there times you just don't feel yourself? Are there times that you just want to pull your hair out and scream at the top of your lungs b/c you just can't think straight? Yeah well thats me right now. I just don't feel myself. A friend is telling me that he wont listen to or respond to any negativity that comes out of my mouth anymore. He only wants to hear positive thoughts. Yeah right. How am I supposed to be positive when everything around me is crumbling? I am useless. I'm not good at anything. I'm stupid as hell. I don't know right from left sometimes and half the shit people start talking about I have no idea what is going on or what anything means. For some reason I just don't know what is going on with me. I can't seem to get a grasp on what is going on around me. I know what I have to do but I just can't seem to do it or at least do it right. I honestly feel that if I was to stand in the middle of the road screaming that no one would hear me. I don't know what to do about it. I can't figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I can't seem to find something that I can connect with that makes me happy that I'm interested in to get me going. What the hell do I do now? Where do i go from here? How do I find my calling as they like to call it? What's my nitch? What's the one thing that I can do better than anyone else? I have no damn clue and I don't know where to start.

One person can't be this cruel... can they? How can you tear a family apart like this? I'm going to end up losing the place that I have lived for 11 years. I have no where to go. I have no place to live. My sister will go to her fathers and my mother and her husband will have to find an apartment. All b/c one person that was brought into my family said she wanted to have a family. She wanted to be with her father. She wanted us to be her sisters. So we did everything for custody of her and now this is how we are repaid. This is how someone says thank you. No instead we turn around and say I don't like your rules. I don't like that I can't do what I want when I want so fuck you, I want to move back with my mother and fuck all of your lives. I was just starting to get things on track. I was just starting to level my head out. Two job offers... A wonderful boyfriend. Now where do I go? Where do I turn? It takes everything in me not to fucking hit. Make her hurt. She doesnt care that she is killing her father. That his heart is being torn out of his chest. Fucking bitch. I hate you. I thought you had changed. I was actually nice to you and pulled you in close like I do a sister. I made you my sister even though the past said I shouldn't and you fuck us.

Now you want to play games and we will see how things go. We will see if you decide to stay. We all have to play your game and wait on you. I don't think so. I'm not waiting on you. I'm not going to deal with this shit any more. Yo dare put a fucking finger on my things and expect me not to say a word. I will break your fingers little girl. I will make sure that you don't touch a damn thing of mine again. Fuck with my family and you're fucking with me... I wouldn't go there if i were you

4 Years Later...

He was a great man. So smart. So caring and giving. Willing to rip the shirt off his back for you. He would go out thanksgiving night and find a hopeless huy on the streets and take them to dinner. I can remember the holidays, sitting arouns the table or in the living room, my sisters and I around his feet or sitting on the couch listening to his so fake yet wonderful stories about when he used to walk with the leader of a native american tribe. He was so funny. God I miss him.

He promised he would be the one to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. He promised me alot of things that he never held up to b/c he left me sitting here all alone.

But I'm trying to show him that I'm the granddaughter he always wanted. I'm trying to carry on his name with pride. Ill do better that I did before.

Tigger and pressure

So...I'm getting all worked up and have no way of letting go of the tension. I am over my head in bills and have no job to take care of them. Does the economy have to suck this bad? I mean seriously. I am so tired of the shit already. I need a good paying job so i can get these bills paid and get a place of my own and start out on my own. I need the freedom again. I got addicted when I lived on my own. Coming home and makin myself something to eat if i felt like eating. Putting on my music and leaving the bathroom door open while I take a nice hot bath with a bottle of wine. Not listen to people bitch that the dishes werent done that night and bitch and complain that I forgot to take the garbage out.
I just want to be me with no one telling me how to do it. I can't do all that with no job and no car. UGH. But I have a wonderful man in my life that means the world to me and he is supporting me through all of it. I guess i just have to bite my tongue and hope for the best with whatever comes my way.

Can You Hear Me Scream? Can You Feel My Tears?

I'm standing hear listening to bitch about my life and bitch about where it is headed. Why don't you back the fuck off and let me live it my way. Yeah I'm dating him and I want to be with him. Yes I'm happy. Its not going to end like the others and leave me sitting here in tears and torn in pieces wishing that I would just die. I know you want me to be alone. I know you want me to focus on my life, but how can I focus on my life is I'm not happy? How can I focus on my life when there is an amazing man in front of me that I want to be with so bad and you won't let me be happy with him. Wtop your fucking bitching. Shut your damn mouth and leave me alone. I'm 25 years old and you're treating me like I'm five for god's sake. I'm a grown woman and I want this in my life. I'm not letting this relationship end. Say what you want. Talk to your friends and let them say what they want. You don't know how I feel. You don't know the electric currents that run through my body when I'm around him. You don't feel and see the fireworks go off when I kiss him. GOD DAMNIT LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!! I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and you can't hear me or is that you don't care? I'm sitting here crying only wanting to be in his arms and you look at me and tell me I'm a child.

Yes I know what I have to do to get my life on track. I know that I have to get a job. Don't tell me that he should be telling me that he isn't going to talk to me until I start applying for jobs and getting interviews and start getting up in the morning. I don't want to hear your shit about what other people should be doing for me and with me. Call me a slut if you want. He doesn't see me that way. I don't think he ever will but if things turn and you are right and he sees me as a slut or a whore or a tramp one day or if things end with him and I then I will look at you and tell you were right and I will walk out the door and never turn back around to end throw you a dirty look.

I'm done with being told what is good for me and what isn't. Time to let me fall flat on my own face and pick myself up. Stop running to my side and picking up the pieces before I get a chance to do anything for myself. Just watch first thing in the morning. Watch this bitch spin your damn head off your shoulders. And don;t give me no shit about daddy getting in the way. He aint really my father in the first place. Let him try to say something.

Is it Love?

Love is weird isnt it? You can meet someone and go through that wonderful (as they call it) honeymoon period and then everything falls apart. They turn out to be some weird, controlling, posessive, obsessive asshole. Then I end up getting hurt. So where do you go from there? How do you trust? How do you let anyone in at all? You build a wall and cover it in ice and cement and swear you'll never ket anyone get that close again to rip your heart apart and shred it.

But then all of a sudden you meet one person that makes you smile again. Who makes you feel the sun warm against your skin. Who makes your cheeks hurt from blushing so much and smiling and laughing so much and sowly but surely that cement starts to break down and the ice melts and the walls come crashing in. You let them in and there you go again with that wonderful honey moon period. And you sit wondering to yourself as you lay in bed at night. Will there be an ending to this? Will they turn into that asshole that you swore you would never get mixed up with again? You wonder if this is it. How do you know? How can you tell? You cant go by cher's song that you can feel it in his kiss. Kisses can lie.

I've been there, dont that. I've had men make me believe that they loved me even when they were goin behind my back and cheating on me and coming home and kissing me at night and holding me in the middle of the night. It's all in trust. Oh boy. Trust. The big T word.

I just want the real thing. I just want the one. I believe I have him in my hands. I belive I have found him. I'm done. If this ends. I'm not lieing anymore. I will never love anyone for the rest of my life. I am putting every once of love and energy that I have into him and I wont stop. Until the day I die. He makes me fly. My heart skips a beat.

Fuckin Ex's

I sware sometimes. I wish that once you date someone that they are instantly removed from the world. They do nothing but cause problems for you in the long run. You get into a new wonderful relationship with someone and then they come around telling you that they want to have sex with you and they want you back. And in my case you have the ex's that have the same religion as you. Well think that they do atleast and try to threaten you with magic. Yeah...Ok... Thats going to work real well. Can't do anything to me if I don't let you have the power over me in the first place. And you're going to do a binding on me so that I can't hurt anyone...? Please... Are we living through The Craft much? OMG. Like seriously come on now. I don't hurt people. You hurt people. Thats why I was the one that left you or You were the one who broke my heart by breaking up with me. ASSHOLE!!!!

I'm not going to let this bullshit ruin what i have. And now b/c of this He is mad and I sware I will hunt you down for this. You will hurt. I will make sure you pay for the tears that fell from my eyes b/c he is upset or angry or frustrated b/c you are an asshole.
I can't type anymore or I will seriously hurt someone or I will start sayin some shit that will not make me sound like the angel I'm supposed to be... hahaha yeah right.

Off to eat and drink and be merry and probabyl take a sleeping pill. God Iw ant to go to sleep and maybe sleep for like the next 5 years. I just want to be happy damnit. Why cant everyone else just leave me alone