My heart is broken

When you are young you think you are invisible. You live life to the fullest like everyone loves to say. Well a dear friend of mine lived his life to the fullest each and every day. Traveled the world and conquered all. He was a genius in all of our eyes. And Friday, January 2nd, his life ended. A freak accident is what it was. Dan was very smart and triple checked everything. Made sure everything was in order and was exactly the way it was supposed to be. A tandem jump, first time jumping with a wing suit and the papers say he slipped out of his harness. I never liked skydiving and now I hate it. He was only 22 years old. So young. So much more of life left to live.
Mister life of the party, would pull his shirt right off his back for someone who needed it. He had the best sense of humor. And he amazed you when he started talking about Germany, Italy, Russia, or England. Europe was his favorite place to be when work was sending him away. My heart is broken thinking about him not being with us anymore, but I know he is always around.
I'm trying to keep a smile on my face for you Danny. Love you babe and I will always miss you!
RIP Daniel Kulpa

love or not?

I'm lost in my thoughts tonight. I'm not sure which way they are going. Everything is kind of running around in my head and bumping into each other. Started a new job. Not much. Just a little diner job, working 3 shifts a week and maybe an extra here and there if they call me for a cover. Haven't had much time to sit and put my thoughts down and get them out there.
Has anyone ever asked you if you believe in love at first sight? I've been asked before. I said no. I do not believe in love and first sight. I believe in a connection between two people that can end there or turn into a deep caring of each other and then love. You go through the "omg are you serious?" "I like that too" and the "wow we have a lot in common". I've been through it a million times. And they never went anywhere. I thought I was in love. WRONG!
Now I'm head over heels for a man that I didn't have those with. There were a few hey I like that too here and there. I'm wondering though... a question that always sits in my head and I never spit out. Can that real love that you feel... the butterflies and the sweaty hands and jitters and the giddiness, does it last or die? I don't want it to die. I want to feel this for a very long time. I don't want to let go of the feeling of being safe with who I love. The man I spend my time with is amazing. I don't plan on letting go of him at all. But can you fall out of love with someone as quickly as you feel in love with them? I know people have told me before that they just didnt love me anymore. but it is possible when you have everything going so good.
I know that the distance between two people is always a good thing. You need to have your space or youll go nuts being with them all the time. And I'm not with him all the time. once or twice a week is all i get b/c of work schedules and I don't want him to get sick of me. I guess i'm just being a worry wort again.
More thoughts for you ponder over.

Are there times you just don't feel yourself? Are there times that you just want to pull your hair out and scream at the top of your lungs b/c you just can't think straight? Yeah well thats me right now. I just don't feel myself. A friend is telling me that he wont listen to or respond to any negativity that comes out of my mouth anymore. He only wants to hear positive thoughts. Yeah right. How am I supposed to be positive when everything around me is crumbling? I am useless. I'm not good at anything. I'm stupid as hell. I don't know right from left sometimes and half the shit people start talking about I have no idea what is going on or what anything means. For some reason I just don't know what is going on with me. I can't seem to get a grasp on what is going on around me. I know what I have to do but I just can't seem to do it or at least do it right. I honestly feel that if I was to stand in the middle of the road screaming that no one would hear me. I don't know what to do about it. I can't figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. I can't seem to find something that I can connect with that makes me happy that I'm interested in to get me going. What the hell do I do now? Where do i go from here? How do I find my calling as they like to call it? What's my nitch? What's the one thing that I can do better than anyone else? I have no damn clue and I don't know where to start.

One person can't be this cruel... can they? How can you tear a family apart like this? I'm going to end up losing the place that I have lived for 11 years. I have no where to go. I have no place to live. My sister will go to her fathers and my mother and her husband will have to find an apartment. All b/c one person that was brought into my family said she wanted to have a family. She wanted to be with her father. She wanted us to be her sisters. So we did everything for custody of her and now this is how we are repaid. This is how someone says thank you. No instead we turn around and say I don't like your rules. I don't like that I can't do what I want when I want so fuck you, I want to move back with my mother and fuck all of your lives. I was just starting to get things on track. I was just starting to level my head out. Two job offers... A wonderful boyfriend. Now where do I go? Where do I turn? It takes everything in me not to fucking hit. Make her hurt. She doesnt care that she is killing her father. That his heart is being torn out of his chest. Fucking bitch. I hate you. I thought you had changed. I was actually nice to you and pulled you in close like I do a sister. I made you my sister even though the past said I shouldn't and you fuck us.

Now you want to play games and we will see how things go. We will see if you decide to stay. We all have to play your game and wait on you. I don't think so. I'm not waiting on you. I'm not going to deal with this shit any more. Yo dare put a fucking finger on my things and expect me not to say a word. I will break your fingers little girl. I will make sure that you don't touch a damn thing of mine again. Fuck with my family and you're fucking with me... I wouldn't go there if i were you

4 Years Later...

He was a great man. So smart. So caring and giving. Willing to rip the shirt off his back for you. He would go out thanksgiving night and find a hopeless huy on the streets and take them to dinner. I can remember the holidays, sitting arouns the table or in the living room, my sisters and I around his feet or sitting on the couch listening to his so fake yet wonderful stories about when he used to walk with the leader of a native american tribe. He was so funny. God I miss him.

He promised he would be the one to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. He promised me alot of things that he never held up to b/c he left me sitting here all alone.

But I'm trying to show him that I'm the granddaughter he always wanted. I'm trying to carry on his name with pride. Ill do better that I did before.

Tigger and pressure

So...I'm getting all worked up and have no way of letting go of the tension. I am over my head in bills and have no job to take care of them. Does the economy have to suck this bad? I mean seriously. I am so tired of the shit already. I need a good paying job so i can get these bills paid and get a place of my own and start out on my own. I need the freedom again. I got addicted when I lived on my own. Coming home and makin myself something to eat if i felt like eating. Putting on my music and leaving the bathroom door open while I take a nice hot bath with a bottle of wine. Not listen to people bitch that the dishes werent done that night and bitch and complain that I forgot to take the garbage out.
I just want to be me with no one telling me how to do it. I can't do all that with no job and no car. UGH. But I have a wonderful man in my life that means the world to me and he is supporting me through all of it. I guess i just have to bite my tongue and hope for the best with whatever comes my way.

Can You Hear Me Scream? Can You Feel My Tears?

I'm standing hear listening to bitch about my life and bitch about where it is headed. Why don't you back the fuck off and let me live it my way. Yeah I'm dating him and I want to be with him. Yes I'm happy. Its not going to end like the others and leave me sitting here in tears and torn in pieces wishing that I would just die. I know you want me to be alone. I know you want me to focus on my life, but how can I focus on my life is I'm not happy? How can I focus on my life when there is an amazing man in front of me that I want to be with so bad and you won't let me be happy with him. Wtop your fucking bitching. Shut your damn mouth and leave me alone. I'm 25 years old and you're treating me like I'm five for god's sake. I'm a grown woman and I want this in my life. I'm not letting this relationship end. Say what you want. Talk to your friends and let them say what they want. You don't know how I feel. You don't know the electric currents that run through my body when I'm around him. You don't feel and see the fireworks go off when I kiss him. GOD DAMNIT LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!! I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and you can't hear me or is that you don't care? I'm sitting here crying only wanting to be in his arms and you look at me and tell me I'm a child.

Yes I know what I have to do to get my life on track. I know that I have to get a job. Don't tell me that he should be telling me that he isn't going to talk to me until I start applying for jobs and getting interviews and start getting up in the morning. I don't want to hear your shit about what other people should be doing for me and with me. Call me a slut if you want. He doesn't see me that way. I don't think he ever will but if things turn and you are right and he sees me as a slut or a whore or a tramp one day or if things end with him and I then I will look at you and tell you were right and I will walk out the door and never turn back around to end throw you a dirty look.

I'm done with being told what is good for me and what isn't. Time to let me fall flat on my own face and pick myself up. Stop running to my side and picking up the pieces before I get a chance to do anything for myself. Just watch first thing in the morning. Watch this bitch spin your damn head off your shoulders. And don;t give me no shit about daddy getting in the way. He aint really my father in the first place. Let him try to say something.