Is it Love?

Love is weird isnt it? You can meet someone and go through that wonderful (as they call it) honeymoon period and then everything falls apart. They turn out to be some weird, controlling, posessive, obsessive asshole. Then I end up getting hurt. So where do you go from there? How do you trust? How do you let anyone in at all? You build a wall and cover it in ice and cement and swear you'll never ket anyone get that close again to rip your heart apart and shred it.

But then all of a sudden you meet one person that makes you smile again. Who makes you feel the sun warm against your skin. Who makes your cheeks hurt from blushing so much and smiling and laughing so much and sowly but surely that cement starts to break down and the ice melts and the walls come crashing in. You let them in and there you go again with that wonderful honey moon period. And you sit wondering to yourself as you lay in bed at night. Will there be an ending to this? Will they turn into that asshole that you swore you would never get mixed up with again? You wonder if this is it. How do you know? How can you tell? You cant go by cher's song that you can feel it in his kiss. Kisses can lie.

I've been there, dont that. I've had men make me believe that they loved me even when they were goin behind my back and cheating on me and coming home and kissing me at night and holding me in the middle of the night. It's all in trust. Oh boy. Trust. The big T word.

I just want the real thing. I just want the one. I believe I have him in my hands. I belive I have found him. I'm done. If this ends. I'm not lieing anymore. I will never love anyone for the rest of my life. I am putting every once of love and energy that I have into him and I wont stop. Until the day I die. He makes me fly. My heart skips a beat.

Fuckin Ex's

I sware sometimes. I wish that once you date someone that they are instantly removed from the world. They do nothing but cause problems for you in the long run. You get into a new wonderful relationship with someone and then they come around telling you that they want to have sex with you and they want you back. And in my case you have the ex's that have the same religion as you. Well think that they do atleast and try to threaten you with magic. Yeah...Ok... Thats going to work real well. Can't do anything to me if I don't let you have the power over me in the first place. And you're going to do a binding on me so that I can't hurt anyone...? Please... Are we living through The Craft much? OMG. Like seriously come on now. I don't hurt people. You hurt people. Thats why I was the one that left you or You were the one who broke my heart by breaking up with me. ASSHOLE!!!!

I'm not going to let this bullshit ruin what i have. And now b/c of this He is mad and I sware I will hunt you down for this. You will hurt. I will make sure you pay for the tears that fell from my eyes b/c he is upset or angry or frustrated b/c you are an asshole.
I can't type anymore or I will seriously hurt someone or I will start sayin some shit that will not make me sound like the angel I'm supposed to be... hahaha yeah right.

Off to eat and drink and be merry and probabyl take a sleeping pill. God Iw ant to go to sleep and maybe sleep for like the next 5 years. I just want to be happy damnit. Why cant everyone else just leave me alone

Good things and Bad things

Ever wonder about the good things in your life? Ever wonder about the bad things in your life? I do all the time. Lets see if we can make a list...
Good things... My boyfriend - more Amazing than good. My family. My friends. I'm alive.
Bad things... No car. No degree. No job. Cant go to school. Fuck up for life. My health

So I'm kind of even if you look at it. Well actually there is more in the bad things then the good things but some of those good things make up for the bad things. My boyfriend for one definitely makes up for a lot of the bad. Lets talk about him for a minute.

Stephen - I couldn't have asked for someone better in my life to come along. His eyes. His kisses. His smile. I'm so hoping that these butterflies never go away. I love it. Every time I'm around him I can't help but blush and just stare at him. I'm afraid if I take my eyes off of him for one second that he is going to disappear and this dream is going to end. There is such a deep connection with him that I can't even describe. How does one person fit with you so perfectly and you haven't found them until now? Wow... Did that even make any sense? I have no clue. But I don't really care. Not anymore. Now that I have him I don't really care what anyone else thinks or says. He makes me free. This feels so right. This has to be right. If it isn't right then I'm done for if it ever ends. My heart will truly stop beating. I have opened myself too wide for this not to be right. Everything I hear n the radio reminds me of him. Everything I see other couples doing reminds me of him and I and I haven't even spent that much time with him to be able to go out and do whatever. He picked me up on Friday and we went back to his house for dinner. He made me dinner. He is so wonderful. But as we drove back. We just talked and I listened to his little stories about whatever the topic of conversation was and the topic would switch and held hands in the car and he ran his thumb up and down my hand or up and down one spot on my leg. I was in heaven. Dinner was wonderful. He were in his room for awhile and just kissing and talking and giggling and a little playing, but nothing serious. He was a gentleman. Hhis hands stayed on the small of my back or on the sides of my face unless I made the move to have him move his hands. He didn't want to push it and it made me feel so special to have someone not treat me like a piece of meat and not look at me as if I was just a piece of ass. It was nice. We curled up and watched a movie and then back to the bedroom where more kissing and rolling around took place. We both teased but left it at that. Not wanting to rush things. Don;t want to rush things to make it into a relationship that is based off of sex. GOD THAT IS SO FUCKING NICE!!!!!!! I mean when does a girl finally find a guy like that? It took me 25 years. I'm so glad I found him.

The bad things in my life? They are difficult to deal with. More than I can even imagine. But from a conversation i had with Steve last night. I have people to support me and be there for me when i do need to ask for help. So I'm trying to not let the bad things bother me all that much. I'm hoping that I can get past them. I'll figure it out all in due time. It just may take a little bit of time to do that. So all in all... I guess I really don't have that much bad in my life. If they are things I can get past. Then they aren't bad. They are just stepping stones to my future. A wonderful future with the man of my dreams.

So I guess when it comes down to it. He is the one for me to thank for all of this. He opened my eyes wide enough for me to be able to see what i need to see. I love you baby. More than you could ever possibly know. MUAH!! Together Forever ~ <3>